It's curious how at times a mind can feel splintered against itself. Flipping between thoughts and states of being so much as to be difficult to resolve. Different interests contradicting one another and leading to a person that has so many paths forward and no real indication on which one will make them happy, or if all of them will ever be happy or if some part will always be left unsatisfied by the journey taken

Do I want to be a woman, do I want to be me, do I want to be a fox, is that even possible to find places where that can be done? How do I present myself? Who am I?

The only sense of self I ever had was a facade I was always spiteful towards, only ever looking at it as a thing to one day transcend and move beyond

And now in trying to move past it, I'm left with no firm basis to move into

Nothing to inform the person I want to become

I am a liminal identity

Stuck between, stuck betwixt that which I was and that which I will become

But will I ever be anything else? Is that not the curse of living in the present

Forevermore destined to be in a state of transition

Always split amidst myself on what path is the right one to take

These feelings, of course, are borne out of multiple influences. Dysphoria having come to a head and conclusions being made that I must become someone else, that the person I was is dead and not an identity I can return too. But I still struggle to let that version of myself go, I force myself to keep feeling the pain of being stuck between identities because I don't want to lose myself on either side

But it all hurts too much. I have to let it go, bit by bit, so I can try to become unrecognizable to the person that felt it

So the pain they felt is no longer my pain, but the pain of simply an older version of myself

---

Is it truly the feminine I desire, or it simply the letting go of the inaccurate identifiers I lived under

I know I desire a more feminine form, so I believe HRT is one part of the correct answer. That will give me a form I think I will be more happy within in my day-to-day. But.... I question even that. Will I truly be happier, or will I simply find that I feel just as apathetic towards myself then that I do now

It would be easier if the systems I lived under weren't built as much to pressure one to commit themselves fully to some identity for the ease of those around them. I don't want to commit to anything, I just want space to explore

I want to become all that I want to be without the judgement of others trying to make me conform

Vivian is a nice name, it's a better name than the one I wore before. But is it truly my name, or is it simply another name I've taken on as a mask

Am I Vivian? Am I something else, something more, something less, something more simple, something more complex

If one feels as though they want to hold onto the older version of themself, is that version truly dead? Is the old me truly a dead identity, or is it simply one that held too many incongruences that I must now work to re-incorporate into myself in ways that align with more of myself

I'll figure out who I am one way or another. It'll be slow, iterative, and painful, but that's the nature of these things

---

To reject ones form is to reject that which gives them stability. I always knew that to reject myself would be to invite the void within myself, I feared it. And now, with it rearing its amorphous incomprehensible head at me, I'm left in awe of the terror and beauty of it

To be clear, I'm alright. Sometimes it's just nice to ramble on about the things that bother me in a loose attempt at being poetic.