I just want to make a note that I am... fine

I've been dealing with a lot of emotions and feelings these past several days, and I've been attempting to dig into them with these past few blog posts

I am not horribly unstable. I'm still going about my daily routines. I am supported, I am safe.

I've just been going through it a bit, and have been using this blog this past week to explore those feelings

These are anxious times, and I am an anxious person. It gives me a sense of relief to write out some of these thoughts and put the racing thoughts within my mind to words

It is important to note that I am on month 4 of HRT, which doubtlessly is a major cause for a large amount of the emotional instability I am experiencing. I am getting used to a whole new set of hormones flowing within my body.

This is not said to minimize my emotions, but simply to acknowledge that me feeling them to the degree I do is, at its core, is a biological response of the brain, as all things are

All things psychological have roots in the biological

I am overwhelmed by the amount with which I am coming to understand myself.

I will stabalize, I will normalize, I will continue on living day after day.

Still, it is difficult to trust the process at times. It is difficult to trust that I will once again feel okay.

It is hard to not want to run back to the painful familiar of the old. Because even though it is wrong, it is what I am used too. It is what my mind defaults to. My mind expects that pain, and to lack it leaves me floundering for a sense of identity.

Who am I if not that pain? Who am I if not that denial? Who am I if not that fear?

These things will pass. Stability shall come. But fucking hell it is not an easy time to be a trans woman, lol

The world is not helping me feel okay.

Like... it's felt like these past several years that things have slowly been getting better. That people like me were getting recognized and protected by the government, by the people in power. That I was going to be allowed to integrate with society. That if I simply pushed myself hard enough, I could just be seen as normal by enough people for things to be okay

But... this was a false hope. At least at this point in our society. I do still hope that things will continue to get better, but to think that I would ever be deemed as normal was... a self-destructive goal. And a meaningless one at that

I do not care for normality. Why would I desire to embody something in myself that I do not value in others?

I must reject my desire to be seen as normal. I must embrace that I am who I am, regardless of how I am perceived

I am weird

And that's a good thing

People should be weird

People need to be weird