On the night of June 24th, 2023, I realized I'm transgender

These thoughts had been boiling in the back of my head for months by this point

I felt zero connection to my assigned gender, I knew I desired the feminine, but I was far too scared to admit I was a trans woman

Until right then, when I was surrounded by family, seen as nothing but masculine, seen as nobody but the person that had the name that is now dead to me

I was wearing this person, I was inside them, I was pretending to be them

And this day gradually had this feeling build

Family talking about trans rights at the time, me wondering why I'm so passionate in my responses to them

I was an ally, sure, I was non-binary, but that was just because of a lack of connection to my assigned gender, I thought

Silent pondering throughout the night

My mind swimming in contemplation over everything

And then, in a moment of silent contemplation

The truth appears in my head, and can no longer be denied

I want to feminine, I want to be seen as a girl

I hate being masculine, I don't want to be seen as a man

I was assigned as being the latter, and I desired the former

I was transgender

Panic

Fear

I desperated reached out to tell everyone I could in that moment that I was trans. My friends, my online communities, anyone

Screaming out the words before I could close my hand over my mouth again

I NEEDED to say something, because I knew how dire things were for myself without this. That spark of truth felt right in a way that needed me to acknowledge it.

I no longer had any other choice, I needed to shout forth what it was that I was feeling, in order to start to unpack these feelings in earnest

I needed air

I went outside, crying silently into the night

I sipped on a can of lemonade that was in a cooler laid outside from earlier that day

I watched the street, I listened to the cars, I heard the ocean. I memorized every single house that lay before me on that street

Things were never going to be the same

I dreamt that night of waking up as a woman

I dreamt of being seen as the person that I was supposed to be. Going about my day, being seen by my family, living as the gender I was supposed to be

It felt more right than anything else had ever felt in my life

And I cried

"Why my dear, there’s nothing else to do but tell a lie, in the form of an alibi. Time makes fools out of all of us dear, try the wine, colored rose red and alkaline" (Patricia Taxxon, Try the Wine)

She had spoken to me, and she brought me into the light

It burned

Only the light could set me free, this I knew

But I needed escape, I needed safety, I needed time. I needed rest from the light

I lied, I obscured, I hid away from the truth. I pretended to be everything I knew I wasn't

But in the end, I knew what the future had in store for me

So when I was ready

I tried the wine

...And it was wonderful