Fragmentation

08 Sep, 2024

Content Warnings:

Contains references to gender dysphoria, dissassocation, and feeling fragmented

Howdy

Hi

Believe it or not, when one is a bit neurodivergent and has been dealing with constant stress, panic, and dissassocation regarding fundemental parts of their identity... it can create some splits within ones sense of identity

I'm doing alright

I'll be alright

I don't really care to get into this. Those that understand this will understand it, those that don't needn't

I feel this... compulsion to place this on here

I don't understand why

Vivian and Vi are both fine. Feel free to use either interchangeably. They're both me

I am Vi : I enjoy Vi

I enjoy Vivian : I am Vivian

they/them or ey/em, but she/her is nice

she/her, but also they/them and ey/em is nice

I'm... okay.

I genuinely am. My sense of identity is a bit shattered, but that's okay, so are plenty of other people's, regardless of what terminology they attach to it

Who doesn't have conflicting thoughts? Who doesn't have voices yelling different things in their head?

This must be normal

Right?

I promise my next post will be about me refinishing my table or something, this whole process of delving deeper into myself is exhausting, lol

Take the things I say here not as some grand meltdown before I descend into madness. These are abstractions. Are they real, yes, they represent the truth of how it is my mind functions. But they are nonetheless just structures for understanding my own mind. They are no more or less real than a donut one pictures in a dream

Hopefully saying this isn't necessary, but as I do have this website linked from my Discord... if you think any of this is "cringe", or you otherwise just feel antagonistic towards me for having these thoughts...

  1. I don't care
  2. Keep it to yourself like an adult
  3. I really... really don't care

This is not directed at anyone in particular, I just worry when posting things as personal as this that someone will come out of the woodwork to tell me I'm evil and wicked

Update 2/10/25: In light of my recent Selves blog post, I've decided to unhide this old post I wrote. I reworked the formatting a little bit to be more similar to the Selves page to make things a little easier to parse

Whatever this is, if this is real, I was the part of my mind that was desiring the Vi name, hence why I've placed those words retroactively in mine.

However... this attempt at an identity just never quite felt right. I am a woman just like my other half, she/her are the pronouns I use

Although I do still have much more positive thoughts regarding they/them compared to her

I like they/them and ey/em for gender abolitionist reasons, heh

What she said, lol.

Like I am a woman, 100%, without a doubt. she/her only for me. But like, they/them is fine in the sense that I don't mind it, as long as it doesn't take away from my identity as a trans woman

Also, it doesn't matter if it's real. It's just a writing exercise. Consider it art. Consider it a way of expressing oneself. Consider it a way of thinking.

If it works, it works. It doesn't have to mean anything more