I'm going back to just being Vivian

I've come to the realization tonight that this sense of a split within my identity over my gender, this fight with myself over the past month, these manifestations of another voice in my head telling me I didn't want to claim the label of being a woman... it was all just.... fear. I was afraid to be a woman, to give myself that label, because I still feel so far away from it.

The whole reason I initially picked out Vi as a name was so I wouldn't feel so awful when looking in the mirror and calling myself Vivian... but... that's just because the face that's in the mirror isn't my own yet. It'll get there once I'm on HRT, and the name will hurt less. I will change, and this dissonance will die

I'm still non-binary and transfem in the sense of like, my ideological leaning and feelings on gender as a category. But for all intents and purposes... I'm just an insecure woman

The key part there though is... I'm a woman.

My name is Vivian, and I'm a girl

I stg if my brain decides to prolong this crisis of identity any longer after this I'm going to fricking bite somebody. I promise unless I have a coherent rebuttal to the emotions I'm expressing in this post, this'll be the last change/clarification of my gender and name