Therian
Content Warning:
Contains mentions of gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia
What is a therian?
To be a therian is to feel as though you are, in some capacity, a non-human animal in the body of a human.
Some have more strict definitions requiring the involvement of spirituality, souls, and whatnot. You'll find this often in those that say "I have the soul of X animal". I however do not think a belief in this is necessary to call oneself a therian.
Having said that...
While there's no definitive proof that souls exist, there's also no definitive proof they don't. So it's possible that past lives exist or something else of that nature, and I literally have the soul of a fox. I just don't use that as the basis for how I define myself, as I don't like to invoke unknowable things as a basis for my identity
When this applies to identities other than animals, it falls under the label of Alterhuman
Psychologically Therian
You don't have the mind of a fox, you're just a person that wants to be a fox!
Says who?
I mean sure, on a rational basis I recognize that I am within a human body. The sentience I possess is something granted to me by the biological construction of the human mind, and if I were a different creature I wouldn't have the mental faculties to conceptualize these things.
I do not believe I am physically a fox
However, who is to say my mind isn't inherently fox-like? Can I not be comfortable finding kinship with something that isn't human? The structure of my mind is human, but does that not mean I can't find joy in the idea of having fox-like characteristics within that?
When I conjure a mirror within my mind, I see a fox staring back at me. This fox does still recognize herself as a human in some capacity. She is anthropomorphic, she is shaped akin to my ideal human body shape, she is not wholly outside the bounds of what makes someone a human. However, she is still distinctly not wholly human.
These human traits do not exclude or negate the fox-like ones. I am a human, and I am a fox. Both are true without either negating the other, as neither one inherently excludes the other. The fox identity arises from a combination of my neurotype and childhood without a single doubt, but an explanation is not an invalidation.
My mind is that of a fox because it identifies itself as that, based on what it has learned to find comfort in seeing itself as
Why am I a Therian?
Dysphoria
I've always had a mix of apathy and disdain towards the way my body was gendered by others as a child. The expectations that came with this body felt wrong and foreign. People saw me as a masculine body I was within, not the person I was, and they started trying to fit me into the box of "boy".
I played along as I felt I had no other choice, but the labels always felt wrong, so I sought to find ones that felt more right
Werewolves
I needed to find another way to understand my identity, and I found that at a young age in animals. At first, this took the form of werewolves. The idea of something that could bridge the gap between humanity and inhumanity, to separate from my physical self, was something I deeply desired.
Furries
Quickly, I learned of the furry fandom, and from there I gravitated towards canid representation of myself online. Eventually I settled on that of a fox.
To be a fox felt... right. Pictures of foxes were from the start the way I represented myself online. It's what people saw when they spoke to me, and it was just... me. I was that fox.
This feeling only sharpened as I grew old enough to begin commissioning artists to draw images of this image I had of myself. And I became more and more deeply enamored with this idea of being a fox
When I pictured myself within my mind, my physical body was never the image I saw, it was always a fox of some kind, generally anthropomorphic. I had dreams where I was a fox, speaking with other foxes, in a way that just felt... right.
Birds
Going into college, I drifted away from the fox identity in online spaces. I felt trapped and disconnected from nearly everything, my body was wrong but I couldn't yet bring myself to do a thing about it.
I still wanted, needed to be a fox. But... for this time, I needed more than that to be anything other than myself.
And with that, I fled to find a new identity, to wear a mask that would once and for all bury the self beneath. I found this temporarily, thanks to a friend, in the embracing of an avian identity.
"Birdy" was the name I took on at the time. I knew it wouldn't last, but I knew in some unconscious way that I needed this mask. I needed to be anything other than myself to give me the space to begin picking apart who I was, what I was.
It wasn't that I no longer felt like a fox, but because the fox was so tied to who I was intrinsically, I needed the mask to figure out what I was if not something masculine.
The Feminine
One day, the role of the masculine that I had convinced myself I needed to fit within... shattered
I realized and admitted to myself what I had always known
I desire to embody feminine traits and be seen as a feminine person. They've been things I've always desired, and the more I investigate my feelings regarding them the more I desire to have them, to portray them, to embody them.
I am a woman
Rites of Passage
Finding myself as a woman was a... difficult process. I spent a lot of the first year wavering in and out of denial over it being the truth of my identity
My first attempt at finding myself as a woman was within the lens of the avian that I had forged for myself in college. Her name was Sandra
Sandra was the first name I chose for myself, years before I came to terms with the fact I was trans, back in the late 2010s.
I didn't stick with the name or identity in the long-term, because as I sought to find out more of myself, I saw these things, the name and the avian identity, holding me back from who I truly wanted to become. From what I wanted to embrace.
To embrace...
The Vulpine
To be a fox just feels... right. Something about having the traits of a fox, the fur, the ears, the tail, the snout, it all feels like... me. I've always felt it, I've dreamed of it, I've had visions of it. It is... me
The mask was no longer needed, and I returned to what I always have been.
I am Vivian
And I am a fox
Important Note: If you find any of this to be "cringe", grow up. Everyone benefits from finding language to describe their identity, and if you limit yourself because you're worried about what others will think, you're being immature